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Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Discriminating MEDIA
Is there an explanation for this? I am definitely going to explore this further. But for the record I do have to puncture more black, successful photography and news into my blog since it is so obviously lacking in the media. Shame on you, media moguls!
1. Black people drive cars. Yes, it's true. Following Hispanics, African Americans are the second-largest minority market in the US. Researchers estimate they will spend $860 billion in 2007, rising to $1.1 trillion by 2012. Source: emarketer.com
With this kind of moolah to be made, don't you think you should try to entice us\them with including them in advertisements for vehicles?? And not just Cadillac Escalades and Hummers either!
2. Black people own homes.
Nationally, 73 percent of whites own their homes compared with 47 percent of blacks in America. Still, that is nearly half of all black people in the USA who own homes. It shouldn't surprise anybody to see that they have a black family in their suburban neighbourhood. This isn't 1880, folks.
I think people assume black people don't live in nice neighbourhoods, but the truth of it is, a lot of people regardless of colour like to live in nice neighbourhoods. And they make NICE neighbours. Why don't you talk to your neighbour instead of prejudging them by their colour? Maybe you two ended up going to the same university or something!
3. Black people like instruments and rock music.
When I was growing up, I was exposed to a lot of techno, house and rock music thanks to my older sister, and then, moving to a rural town where urban music couldn't be played on the radio. I went back to the city and found a lot of black people in Toronto really love rock music, love to play instruments (guitar, violin, sax) and love techno, house, indie, etc. Other races ASSUME all black people love rap music, r&b, reggae or soca. This is a falsity. Sure, if you see a black person hanging out with a lot of white suburbanites, odds are they will be listening to the same punk rock kind of music. But music is available to everybody, and some music grows on people. Not to mention, there are black rock artists such as Lenny Kravitz and Jimi Hendrix. Furthermore, a lot of black people still love the performing arts including jazz and opera. Canadian greats include: Measha Brueggergosman, (opera singer); FeFe Dobson, Murray Lightburn from the Dears, and Mojah the guitarist from Big Sugar. These are just a few from a list of 30 or so Canadian musicians who do not "do" rap, hip-hop, reggae, soca or R&B. Just to let you know.
4. Black people travel on vacations, too!
It is nice to see photographs of Rihanna and Beyonce travelling the world from Croatia to Los Cabos to the South of France. I love travelling and who doesn't? A lot of black people go on vacations, go on luxury cruises and travel. It cost a lot of $$$ to go but smart people, regardless of race, know when\where to travel to get good rates, where to stay, how to backpack and how to be open - minded. Everybody knows it's hundreds of dollars cheaper to fly in the off season and 3rd class and 4th class hotels are nearly the same thing! Coming from tropical, hot places--who would appreciate a beach and sun more than black people?
Although personally, I was the only black person on my flight to Cuba. I think black people should save that $800 and see the world. It's a beautiful experience!
5. Black people wear sunscreen and sun hats!
It is a HUGE misconception that black people don't need any protection from the sun due to their darker pigment, and that they won't get skin cancer. Black people DO get skin cancer, and I know many that cover from the sun and protect their skin. I have bottles of sunscreen lined up on my dresser because I never go outside without sunblock and it's spf 45 or higher. I've worn sunscreen every summer since I was 16. I also wear ridiculous wide sun hats and I'm not the only person. White people like to keep their skin fair and try to stay out of the sun because it ages you, well shit, who wants to be aged? I don't! So I protect my skin. Besides, sunscreen is so cheap anybody can afford it. I think whenever someone sees a black person in a sunhat it shouldn't be a paradox. The sun can be extremely harmful, and I'm not sure why sunscreen companies NEVER depict a black person---we need SPF protection too!
6. Black people date outside their own race.
Interracial dating is very widely accepted here in Canada, especially Toronto. I regularly see Black and white couples, white and Oriental couples, Oriental and black couples, etc etc. There are beautiful biracial children from these couples and I approve of interracial dating, but on TV and in the media, they always have to depict the "happy black family" and the "happy white family". Why can't they every have a white man and a black woman with beautiful biracial children in front of the BBQ? It has to be "Date your own race" and that's the message the media is sending. It's very backwards and very wrong. Watch TV and look at the commercials. Do you see many (if any?) interracial couples\families?
7. All black people are NOT on welfare.
Do you know the AMOUNT of black police officers I see? And guess what? Surprise! There's black pilots, fire fighters (I personally know one in Florida, where my uncle lives), black judges (there's a black judge in Newmarket, Ontario), black lawyers, black businessmen, black engineers (quite a FEW), black athletes (and I mean hockey and baseball, not just basketball), black accountants, etc. I actually like seeing black teenagers working in the mall. I love the diversity. I love seeing them working next to white people and Orientals and South Asians. I love it because it's visibility, and the more other people see black people in the workforce the more they realize we're not any more lazier than any other race!
8. Black people attend colleges and universities.
I was shocked by the amount of black people at my fiancee's college when I first met her 3 years ago. I was still a high school senior and hadn't been exposed to college life yet. I thought (thanks to the media) all black people struggled, couldn't get out of the "ghetto" and spent their adolescents and young adulthood in jails, gangs and selling drugs. The "struggle" to get out of the hood and into college was the stories you heard in the newspaper. But no, that's not true nor real life. I know one woman who's an author and has gone to Dartmouth and Harvard; my cousin is also an author and went to the same college as me, my grandfather is an accomplished author and went to university, and tons of black authors are university graduates, but they also go to law school, medical school, Ivy League schools, they get business degrees and English degrees, and they go to teacher's college too. There are many intelligent, educated black people. Black people love and crave knowledge. This comes as a shock for many people, as it did to me 3 years ago thanks to the media. I had the wrong idea.
9. Black people shop at expensive stores.
Saks Fifth Avenue, Barneys New York and Holt Renfrew would like you to believe their clientele are uber-rich Caucasians. That isn't wholly true. Yes, there are tons of rich white people who shop there, but there's tons of wealthy Asians, blacks and other minorities who can afford and appreciate quality material goods from watches, clothes, shoes and accessories. I, myself, do not care about the price tag of an item I want (usually camera-related), and I love a few select name brands like Ron Herman's Free City line, Burberry and Ralph Lauren. I think black people have the ability to dress well and may initially feel embarassed or singled out in wealthy stores (which I'm routinely ignored or under-appreciated, but I ignore that...because VISIBILITY is important, once again) but as they shop there more often, feel more comfortable and not as if it they don't "fit in".
10. Black people speak other languages.
Do you think it's just ambitious white people who set forth learning new languages? Nope. I, myself, taught myself German and can pick up a bit of Albanian (thanks to my partner) but in my life I have met a Zimbabwe woman who can speak Swedish, and blacks who can speak Italian and French fluently out of SHEER desire. Do not assume they all speak "slang".
Monday, July 26, 2010
Ten Most Magnificent Trees in the World
A pretty neat link. Trees rock
http://www.neatorama.com/2007/03/21/10-most-magnificent-trees-in-the-world/
My Personal Interpretation of "Bag Lady" - Erykah Badu
Bag Lady"
Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One Day all them bags gone get in your way
So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh
Bag lady you gone miss your bus
You can't hurry up
Cause you got too much stuff
When they see you comin
Niggas take off runnin
From you it's true oh yes they do
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
I said one day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh
Girl I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
You can't deny it you can't stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better
(So much better baby)
Bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Ooh, ooh
Girl you don't need it
I betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(Need someone to love you right)
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, betcha love)
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, betcha love)
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, I betcha love, oh)
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(Oh...)
Betcha love can make it better...
Bag lady, hmm
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Girl you don't need that, hmm
***************************************************
Source: Wikipedia - The song is about a woman trying to begin anew in a relationship but she has too much emotional "baggage", and can't get close to people. The moral of the song is to "pack light", and have hope for the future.
I take this song many ways. In the literal sense, a bag lady is a homeless woman who is living out of her bags. It seems that Erykah is not only implying that a woman is to begin a new romantic relationship but one with herself, letting go of her history and past. Even the most well-dressed people are carrying a metaphorical bag on their bag of burdens and worries.
She says you might "miss your bus" meaning perhaps, any opportunities in the future because you are weighed down by your perceived problems and issues that you can't let go. That "bag" can be many things: alcohol, jealousy, vanity, etc. If could be a number of things for a number of people.
It's about being conscious of the emotional baggage you're carrying and checking yourself and making sure that you are consciously in the moment, living each moment and taking it for what it is--good or bad, and moving on. It's about not holding grudges, not regretting past mistakes, or being bitter about a great life that has changed (and probably not for the best). She's say "betcha love can make it better", but love for yourself is also a way that can heal a lot of internal issues one may have with oneself.
In her music video, each black woman is dressed in a different coloured dress and headwear, possibly symbolizing that each dress is a different sort of 'baggage'.
Erykah Badu's "Bag Lady" meaning
Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One Day all them bags gone get in your way
So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh
Bag lady you gone miss your bus
You can't hurry up
Cause you got too much stuff
When they see you comin
Niggas take off runnin
From you it's true oh yes they do
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
I said one day he gone say you crowdin my space
One day he gone say you crowdin my space
So pack light
Pack light
Pack light
Ooh ooh
Girl I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
You can't deny it you can't stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better
(So much better baby)
Bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Ooh, ooh
Girl you don't need it
I betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(Need someone to love you right)
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, betcha love)
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, betcha love)
Betcha love can make it better
(I betcha love, I betcha love, oh)
Betcha love can make it better
Betcha love can make it better
(Oh...)
Betcha love can make it better...
Bag lady, hmm
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Girl you don't need that, hmm
Although I believe most, or at least a lot of , forms of art are not made to be take literally, a lot of people forget that there is meaning behind the lyrics, the paint, the dance, etc and it may not be so obvious.
In the case of this song, Bag Lady, for example, if you asked someone at first listen what this song is about they may have not even considered it has a deep meaning beyond homelessness....
A few meanings I found on the web for this song:
This song means that you shouldn't live in the past because you will only be hurting yourself more and more in the end.
I think this is about shedding our material desires.
this songs about letting go of the things that arent important and holding on to your piece of mind.
So, where my garbage bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
What about the grocery bag lady
Betcha love can make it better
I'm talkin' to my Gucci bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
What about my paper sack lady
Betcha love can make it better
What about my nickle bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
^thats just sayin people of all classes should relate to this song. let go of the things that hold you down and move on with life. "all you must hold on to is you"
The song is, basically, saying to forget all of the things from the past and look to the future!!! Like it said: "bag lady, you gone miss your bus; you cant hurry up cause you got too much stuff"
It's saying that if you carry on thinking about the past, you can never move forward to have a better future; hence, she misses the bus, she's missing a good future!!! People, keep this in mind. It's a good message that people should take in and think about.
Ms. Badu tells us that in order to be free to have positive things in our lives, we must rid ourselves of the negative.
she's telling women to let go of their baggage. i took it to be specifically baggage from relationships/men/etc... because of the "one day he gon say you crowdin my space" line. She repeats it 4 times, so it seems like a pretty important part of her message. She's saying if your hurt, admit it, think about it, solve it, cry it out, move on. Allow yourself to drop the anger/sadness/resentment/neediness/insecurities/distrust/cynicism that your broken heart is full of because it will weight you down and cause you to miss out on happiness.
looooooooooooove this song. because it truly speaks to ALL women. (gucci bags, garbage bags, nickle bags, baby bags....)
Never heard the song that way?
What does it say to you? What do you think it means?
Posted by Jenny Stradling
*******************
Thank you Jenny S for the interpretation!
Words...
Is your memories full of love?
Some people wish their moms would leave
Mine always does
She's always here in the house
But her mind is far away
She has a sickness in her mind
Depression, is what they say
It wasn't easy being young
With a momma who didn't care
But I could never complain much
Lots of them weren't there
I always wondered what life'd be like
If I'd gotten a hug or two
Maybe I might smile some more
Maybe my mom would too.
Now she's really, really sick.
I can't even reach her
She's right here next to me
A distant, strange creature.
Queen of Consciousness and Sex Radicalism in Hip-Hop (Erykah Badu)
I was reading this article on the World Wide Wed, thought I'd share :) Happy reading!
This article is a study of sex, politics and lyrical literature across what could be called
“Hip-Hop & Hip-Hop Soul.” It champions the concept “sexual consciousness”
against popular and academic assumptions that construe “sexuality” and
“consciousness” to be antithetical--in the tradition of “the mind/body split” of the
white bourgeois West. An alternative, radical articulation of consciousness with an
alternative, radical politics of gender and sexuality is located in the musical writings of
two contemporary “iconic” figures: Lil’ Kim of “Hip-Hop” and Erykah Badu of
“Neo-Soul.” Underscoring continuities between these author-figures, one of whom is
coded as an icon of “sexuality (without consciousness),” conventionally, and the other
as an icon of “consciousness (without sexuality),” I show how Black popular music is
a space where radical sexual identities and epistemic politics are innovated out of
vibrant African/Diasporic traditions.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
24
The reputed “Father of African Cinema,” Ousmane Sembène is perhaps ironically famous
for what we can call his sexual consciousness, a consciousness of the politics of sex or
gender and sexuality, in his radical productions of Black independent film. For example,
Mooladé (2004) is about resistance to female “circumcision” or “genital excision.”
Guelwaar (1992) treats the theme of prostitution in Dakar, portraying sex workers as
survivors of oppression and the colonized elite as “beggars” or prostitutes to neo-colonial
“aid.” Xala or The Curse (1974) is a parody of the Black pseudo-bourgeoisie middleclass
in which the father of “flag independence” is characterized as impotent in matters of
both sex and political economy. Thus, Toni Cade Bambara once stated, mocking male
chauvinism: “If a sister had written half the works of Ousmane Sembene, there’d be
back-and-forth debates raging about reverse sexism: how come the heroics are always
done by women?” (Bambara in Tate 36). Analogously, sisters have worked a critical
“sexual consciousness” beyond the alleged “high art” of cinema in and for Black popular
culture, particularly in the art and culture of Hip-Hop.
Lyrically lauded by the likes of Toni Morrison and bell hooks, Lil’ Kim is most famous
or infamous for this sort of consciousness, which is oxymoronic under status-quo schools
of thought. The world of music constantly pits “sexuality” against “consciousness” in its
commentary, especially when Black music is the subject at hand; internationally, it
divides music with “positive,” “progressive” or “political” content from “sex-driven”
music which is, supposedly, “sensational,” “scandalous” and “slack.” This line of
thinking goes well beyond contemporary critics and consumers. For over five hundred
years, the Western world of ideas has itself opposed sexuality and consciousness, rigidly,
laying the foundation for an entire culture to interpret “eroticism” as a threat to
“intelligence,” “bodies” as menaces to “minds” and “sensuality” as an enemy to
“rationality” or rationalism. The European oppression of most of the world’s peoples,
African people most of all, it continues to use this bi-polar world-view to advance a racist
empire that is every bit as much sexist, class-elitist and homophobic as it is racist or
white-supremacist. Consequently, social and music criticism claiming to be “positive”
“progressive” and “political” might want to separate itself from this Western tradition of
thought, lest its “positive,” “progressive” “politics” be no less identified with white racist
imperialism, sexism, elitism and homophobia. A radical sexual politics is in order, and
such a politics of consciousness is brilliantly showcased in and beyond The Notorious
K.I.M., a paradigm-shifter and “lyrical force to be reckoned with” according to Hip-Hop
Immortals: The Remix (Malone n.p.).
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
25
A Senegalese Hip-Hop enthusiast himself, Sembène has produced other films which
resonate well with a practice of rap resounding elsewhere. Ceddo (1976) returns his
spectators to “the matriarchal era” as Africans struggle against invasion and conquest by
Islam: Princess Dior avenges her father’s death by killing the Imam aiming to usurp the
throne. Cool, calm and collected, she shoots him in the genitals. The title character of
Faat Kine (2000) is a more modern, middle-aged woman who achieves economic
independence and, hence, a freedom from a host of sexist sexual constraints. A single
mother of means, she and her girlfriends enjoy sexuality to the max, even affectionately
referring to each other as “salope,” which can be translated as “bitch” (or “slut”), as they
turn the tables on male privilege in general. These royal themes of sex, power,
matriarchy promoted by “Ousmane-the-Axe” are totally in sync with Lil’ Kim’s “Big
Momma/Queen Bitch” aesthetics of rhyme; and this provides a perfect introduction to a
productive comparison of her and other “Hip-Hop Queens” in the African Diaspora, most
notably Erykah Badu of “Hip-Hop Soul.”
Hip-Hop Queens: Baduizm à la The Notorious K.I.M.
Both Badu and Lil’ Kim emerge as break-out Black female artists from the mid-to-late
1990’s, authoring musical-cultural trends that simply did not exist prior to their
respective solo debuts, Hard Core (1996) and Baduizm (1997). If many might oppose
one’s material “violence” with the other’s “spiritual vibe,” Badu’s second studio album
would be Mama’s Gun (2000). Her lyrical gun is shot there with outright sexual bravado,
to boot. Finally, Badu’s willfully “gangsta” vibe on Worldwide Underground (2003)
seals the deal. The Brooklynite K.I.M. and “Southern Girl” Badu are in many ways more
than compatible. The same cannot actually be said of other artists who systematically
seek to imitate Lil’ Kim, stylistically, and superficially, such as Foxy Brown, Trina, Eve,
Remy Martin and Jackie-O as well as some older artists who have made themselves over
anew, erotically, such as Da Brat and Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot. Further, besides
nearly every other female rapper in her wake, even middle-class Black radio “shockjock”
Wendy Williams can be said to continue this imitative trend, ironically, in her
ghost-written or co-authored book, Wendy’s Got the Heat (2004). “Lil’ Kim,” a musical
icon of “sexuality,” and “Erykah Badu,” a musical icon of “consciousness,” can be shown
to have much in common lyrically, despite the preconceived images of the critical
establishment. When sexual consciousness is entertained, both easily emerge as queens
of consciousness and sex-radicalism, both, via Hip-Hop.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
26
In hindsight, Badu’s image was first cast nationwide in the context of her first single, a
Bluesy “bohemian” number which inspired countless comparisons to Billie Holiday.
With The Color Purple (1985) supplying a cinematic motif for the music video, “On &
On” would begin spiritually: “Peace and Blessings manifest with every lesson learned/If
your knowledge were your wealth, then it will be well earned.” Later, Black Muslims
merge with Kemet when Badu reprises “On & On” in concert for Live (1997). “Reprise”
explicates her song-text meticulously, after enormous success, breaking it down bit by
cosmological bit:
Y’all know what a cypher is? [“Yeah!”] It’s all kinds of ciphers. But a
cypher can be represented by a circle, which consists of how many degrees?
[“360!”] What? 360 degrees. And my cipher keeps moving like a rolling
stone. So in my song when I say that, my cipher represents myself or the
atoms in my body and the rolling stone represents the Earth. The atoms in
the body rotate at the same rate on the same axis that the Earth rotates,
giving us a direct connection with the place we call Earth; therefore, we can
call ourselves Earth. Okay? On my hand I wear an ankh. This is an ankh.
An ankh is an ancient Kemetic symbol. The word Kemet is the original name
for Egypt.
Going on with her exegesis, her talk takes an erotic turn; and this makes all the sense in
the mind of Badu:
…This symbol can be found on the walls of the Hieroglyphics, in Kemet. And
this symbol represents Life. Alright? This portion represents the womb.
Sistas, put your hands on your wombs. This portion represents the male
principle, with the birth canal. Bruthas, put your hands on your male
principles! [Roars] And this portion represents the fallopian tubes.
120/120/120: 360 degrees of Life and Completion. You and Me. Life. In all
I do, I try to represent Life. Give birth to different things: Melodies, Music,
Prayers. Babies...
The physics and metaphysics of reproduction, the pleasure of life-giving organs and
organisms are affirmed as creative (not “crude”) activity and processes. They are not
puritanically veiled or avoided. The oneness signified by Badu’s ankh, a huge physical
presence on stage at her early shows, recalls the oneness or communion of Lil’ Kim’s
Hip-Hop anthems with Biggie Smalls: The Notorious B.I.G. and K.I.M. also ask their
Black audiences on Junior M.A.F.I.A.’s “Get Money” (Conspiracy, 1995) to grab their
“privates,” their “principles,” to “represent” as a collective unit, a classic call-andresponse
chorus. Sex is simply part of “Life” for Baduizm, too.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
27
The Live version of “On & On” confirms this fact in another fashion. Badu spits a rhyme
at the end of this rendition. She’s not just some “Neo-Soul songstress.” She’s a dope
MC: “I thank it’s time to take tha jam deep into da hype/Hardcore cold-hypin tha mic/I
just so happen to be Tough with a capital ‘T’/Cain’t no weak ass, trick MC keep up rough
with me.” Badu has always said she is Hip-Hop, to the bone. Here, she disses “weak ass,
trick MC’s” and shouts out “hard-core.” This should shock those who think “sexuality”
and “consciousness” are diametrically opposite in nature, by definition. Yet, for nonbelievers,
she takes it further: “Yeah, I’m dope on a rope/They wanna play tug-owar/
Jealousy appears/between both your ears/Cuz I been doin this shit for years/Never
goin out wack/I’m a female mack/So saps, git back/while my dollars stack.” These lines
leave her “mackin’” with a “head-wrap,” literally, “gettin’ money” and rapping in a style
that allows for no dichotomous separation of her from Lil’ Kim, whose song “Crush on
You” supplies the music sampled in the background. The verse seems to require this
interpolation-reference, or vice versa.
These matters might have been clarified by “Tyrone” at the end of Badu’s Live or,
maybe, at the onset of “Searching” when Badu announces that this is “grown folks
music.” What put the “-izm” in Baduizm after all? The artist’s own “organic,” ghettodriven
definition said it is “what you smoke, it gets you high” (McIver 91). Of course, it
also refers to what “gets you off.” Baduizm relates to orgasm as much as anything (i.e.,
knowledge and spirituality). Her aesthetic erotica gets more sexually explicit on
“Booty,” the seventh track on Mama’s Gun. Like “Next Lifetime” on Baduizm as well as
Live, “Booty” has a huge a problem with monogamy. It makes it strictly circumstantial,
rather than “moral,” rejecting its conventional constrictions: “I don’t want him, cuz a
what he done to you/You don’t need him/cuz he ain’t ready/See, I don’t want him if he
ain’t made no arrangement wit you/And you don’t need him, cuz da boy ain’t ready.”
This bawdy attack on pretentious postures becomes more pointed still. Badu continues to
snap: “You got a Ph.D, Magna Cum Laude/But ya nigga love me wit a GED.” This
recasting of one-on-one relationships as an optional, reciprocal arrangement, not an
unquestionable ideal, is hardly the stuff of bourgeois family values, gender,
heterosexuality or “consciousness.” Yet Badu’s “-izm” is present on Mama’s Gun as a
matter of principle.
Mama Gun’s was an incredibly reflective sophomore release. “On & On” was reprised
yet again in the form of “… & On,” where Badu playfully checked herself for pretensions
found in many who deem themselves “part of the solution,” concerning Black oppression,
not “part of the problem,” as it were: “On & on & on & on/Wake tha fuck up cuz it’s
been too long/Say, wait a minute, Queen, whut’s yur name?/I be that gypsy flippin life
game, from tha right brain.” She puts a brake on one brand of “consciousness” with the
chorus: “What good do your words do/if they don’t understand you/Don’t go talking that
shit/Badu, Badu.”
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
28
A “conscious” elitism is mocked as Badu pokes fun at her own name, shrewdly. The
“Badu, Badu” scat becomes synonymous with “non-sense,” or “shit-talkin’” that the
masses can’t understand. The scat is no longer the cosmic tongue of Jazz. It is suddenly,
tactically, the “scatology” of excrement. Jazz was itself vernacular or “street” speech for
“fuck,” and it is on “… & On” that we hear Badu get repeatedly profane perhaps for the
first time since Live’s “Tyrone.” She wakes us “tha fuck up” and hips us to certain “hip”
hypocrisies of “consciousness” on Mama’s Gun, scoffing at puritanically self-important
postures with pleasure.
Badu mixes sexuality and self-critique and adds a gangsta to the “-izm” on Mama’s Gun
as well as Worldwide Underground. Sex and guns are far more associated with a Lil’
Kim (“Head of La Bella Mafia”) than a Badu in the minds of most music critics and
consumers of Black popular culture. For those who consider themselves among the
“conscious,” typically, even apostles of “consciousness,” this association is quite
revolting. Even though Black people are warred upon and in need of freedom, by any
means, according to the heroic Black consciousness of Malcolm X, these critics are
loathe to be “positive” about guns aimed in any direction, under any circumstances. This
evident contradiction is not championed by Badu. She unpacks her second studio title
with lethal precision:
Most of the time, you don’t even know your Mama have a gun -- and when
she pulls it out, and shows it to you, it’s something serious… When she pulls
it out, she’s going to use it; she’s not gonna pull it out just to wave it…
Mama has more sense than that. What this means is that with everything that
goes on in our society -- children are dying, parents are killing themselves,
people’s spirits are just broken -- then how about putting this in your holster.
Stick this on your lap when you drive. Put this in the seat while you drive.
Put this in the small of your back. That’s why it’s called Mama’s Gun… I
urge folk to use my music and my words as they will, as they should, as they
see fit (McIver 2002, 204-5).
No less than Lil’ Kim, therefore, Badu refuses any reading of society that sees guns as
simply “masculine” or “male.” As a result, the booklet of liner notes for Mama’s Gun
begins with a poem of sorts. It is more like a pledge. This pledge is not one of allegiance
to “America,” or patriotism, but a poetic pledge. “The Warrior’s Reminder” is printed,
significantly, in the shape of a moon; a crescent placed inside a circle formed by a
tambourine:
i am awake/my mind is free/i am creative/i love myself/my willpower is
strong/i am brave/i practice patience…i want to grow/i know i will/i take on
responsibility/i hide myself from no one/I’m on my path/warriors walk alone/i
won’t let my focus change/taking out the demons in my range…that’ s
mama’s gun.
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29
Her plush Worldwide Underground project would focus on “freaky” instrumentation,
thanks to her new production team for this third studio album: “Freakquency.” Even so,
Badu’s vocals run with dead prez on “The Grind,” quite militantly; and she packs her
maternal-lyrical pistol again on “Danger (Other Side of the Game, Part 2),” which blares:
“Got a box a money/that I keep unda my bed/But we don’t spend it though/Might need it
fo mo Ye-Yo/We keep this money/just in case we need to make a run/Gotta keep a clip in
Mama’s gun/A run.” Any ambiguities about her gun being literal or metaphorical are
apparently erased. The whole song is about living life “in the zone,” the very dangerous
zone that the drug trade represents--with a raw adrenaline rush, while Badu continues to
shout out “sophisticated gangsterism” and “pimpism” on Worldwide Underground’s
“Woo.” Interestingly enough, publishing credits on her previous albums had always read
“Divine Pimp Pub,” another reality which legions of listeners must have overlooked,
another reality which connects her to rather than separates her from the songbook of Lil’
Kim.
Sex Radical Royals/Royal Sex Radicals: Queens of Consciousness
Indeed, quite like The Notorious K.I.M. or “Big Momma/Queen Bitch” content-wise with
respect to sexuality, “gangsterism,” gun talk, drugs, female “pimpsterism,” and mic
postures, Badu and her “-izm” moved further into what Ifi Amadiume (1989, 1997) calls
“matriarchy,” African matriarchy--via Kemet, Yorubaland and Dahomey--when she
staged an appearance with dead prez on New York City’s WBLS as a part of “The
Wendy Williams Experience.” A portion of this interview was poorly transcribed in
Honey magazine (October 2003), or its “Wendy’s World” column which was for a time a
regular feature. Mocking rumors about her sex life involving Andre 3000 from Outkast,
Common and M-1 from dpz, Badu surprises and upstages DJ Williams in a bit of guerilla
theater on the radio. She tells her that she is actually involved with all three: “I have
three boyfriends now… It’s a new philosophy. We’re trying to bring it to the United
States…an African tradition from the Bambula tribe.” To belong, Black men have to go
through “Badu Boot Camp” and, if they stay the course, they must obey “42 Laws of
Baduality.” A “shock-jock” in shock and disbelief, Williams asks Badu when was the
last time someone “ran up in her.” Badu replies: “Ran up in me? We don’t use those
types of terms.” Indeed, as Williams poses questions about marriage, putting Black
children in white schools and mindless sex, Badu scorns them all as an “American way of
thinking.” Though Williams claims we are “Americans,” by virtue of being in
“America,” Badu insists (very Malcolm X-like): “Well, maybe you are. But we not. I’m
not. We aren’t.” It’s “an African mentality” that Badu aggressively upholds.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
30
Asked about masturbation, she embraces “mind sex” as an alternative: “Well, I don’t
have to [masturbate]. Cuz I have a certain kind of mind sex that I use now. I don’t have
to do any physical kinds of things. I can just feel good all day, all the time. Actually, I’m
coming now.” “Mind Sex” is a track off dead prez’s debut album, Let’s Get Free (2000);
and both members were in the studio to support Badu’s “polyandry” (i.e., multiple
partners or “polygamy” for women). Bambula men say what they are trained to say, it is
said. They “betta not” have sex of any kind with anyone other than Badu, while Badu
can have sex with anyone she likes. Of the revolutionary duo, stic.man answers a
question about having kids: “I got a million children in Africa that I’m gon free.” M-1
confirms:
We jus support tha Sistas. It’s all love to tha Real Black Girls. We also gon
be out here, you know, making sure that we holdin it down for tha souljaz and
tha warriors out here. So that when it’s time for us to really be able to hold
some real true Sistas down, we gon be able to do it correctly.
Andre 3000 is described by Badu as a mere keeper of sperm. Then, she informs a dazed
and confused Williams: “This is getting boring.” This gossipy “American” mentality is
boring. Badu closes this broadcast experience with the same words that began it, for her:
“Peace and love, everybody. Peace and love. Incense, candles [finger-snaps]”
(Williams 109). The transcript of this exchange published in Honey bore a sour subtitle:
“Erykah Badu Takes Mind Games to a Cosmic Level.” It is the body politics of Baduizm
that disturb certain status-quo mentalities, inasmuch as they disturb, unsettle and negate
certain notions of “consciousness” in the absence of a concept of sexual consciousness
which may be more readily thought with regard to Lil’ Kim.
Williams was obviously thrown off by this unexpected show of raunch. It would have
been different story altogether had this whole display come from Lil’ Kim. From her,
raunch is expected (and, wrongly, little else). From Erykah Badu, audiences expect
“consciousness,” or what passes for “consciousness” in a society that confuses middleclass
“respectability” and puritanical hypocrisy for so-called “consciousness.” This
would be an anti-sexual “consciousness” which conceals, when possible, its own “guilty
pleasures” in confined and concealed, privatized spaces. From these spaces, Black and
other promoters of puritanism can emerge to denounce those who are bold enough to
renounce or disregard white bourgeois “morality,” to expose it even as immoral itself. It
must take such boldness of vision to see Erykah Badu’s brilliant sexuality, and to
recognize and endorse Lil’ Kim’s carnal, conscious intelligence. Unfortunately,
however, this is not the kind of “queen” that “Wendy Williams” is.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
31
European imperialism is well-known for depicting African rulers as “ruthless” and
“despotic,” while enshrining their own monarchies as “divinely” ordained if not
“democratic.” These concepts of monarchy and democracy are culturally specific,
extremely repressive and, indeed, racist, elitist and sexist. For colonial slavery and neoslavery
alike, Western monarchy would create “African” “kings” and “chiefs” in the
image of European despots or tyrants, as a way of maximizing and justifying white racist
rule over non-white populations in and out of Africa. Crucially, anti-imperialist
historians and scholar-activists such as Cheikh Anta Diop (1959) and Walter Rodney
(1972) have exposed this mis-representation of African politics, unearthing far more
populist or people-oriented sets of institutions than previously recognized after the
onslaught of Europe. Oba T’Shaka would even argue for a “royal democracy” in Return
to the African Mother Principle of Male and Female Equality (1995). Also unearthed are
institutions of matriarchy and “mother-right” erased by the West’s invention of “kings”
and “chiefs” in Africa for self-serving agendas. This history and “herstory” are
epitomized in all the work of Ifi Amadiume, especially in Re-Inventing Africa:
Matriarchy, Religion, & Culture (1997). She refers to Africa as “that continent of
matriarchy,” writing against class rule and continued Europeanization: “Hinterland
Africa proper which had such structures which favored the rule of goddesses, matriarchy,
queens, etc., is indeed still present with us” (Amadiume 1989, xvii).
In the African Diaspora, among the masses in particular, Black rhetorics of royalty trump
“democracy,” and slavery repeatedly. This royalism does not fit the profile of class
elitism; nor is it uniformly patrilineal or patriarchal as is royalty in Europe. One Lil’ Kim
statement made in a conscientiously anti-homophobic context (for an interview with Next
Magazine: The Hippest Guide to Gay New York) is quite typical: “At the end of the day
we’re all queens and kings anyway, so why not celebrate it?” (Davis 13). Despite the
English language terminology, the original repressive logic of monarchism--proper--this
is literally subverted as queens come before kings in her lyrical (“Big Momma/Queen
Bitch”) matriarchy, or “mother-right.” Her majesty is a matter of politics operating at the
level of the grassroots. It is not a matter of inheritance. Unlike the relatively rare
queendom in Europe, this queendom would not rule over a patriarchy of kings or princes
as some sort of substitute-kingdom, succeeding on an incidental, individual basis until the
next male heir is superimposed. Many African queendoms have boasted a radical sexual
politics instead, no less so abroad under empire in the West. In the symbolics of Hip-
Hop, accordingly, this queen is a queen because she runs things in the interests of other
queens anointed in and by the masses: Lil’ Kim insists that she is “Queen of all queens”
on The Notorious K.I.M.’s “I’m Human” (2000) because she represents for her sex like
no one else in a wickedly male-dominated world. The blue-blood, patrilineal and
patriarchal, Western individualist conception of royalty folds rhetorically in the face of
such Black popular expression.
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32
As for the “Queen of Neo-Soul,” Badu confronts a particular set of problems the more
and more erotic her artistic performance gets. There is no “King of Neo-Soul,”
revealingly. He isn’t dead. “He” simply never was. There is no such conception. The
royal Badu would return to her brief radio stint in “The Learning Curve,” a feature in
Vibe magazine scripted and photographed with a classroom motif. The article’s “Lesson
#1” quotes her, comically: “I start rumors about myself, like, I got some breast implants,
or I got a wig snatched off my head in public. Getting in the news helps move units.
Maybe next I’ll tell people that I eat rocks or something. You have to keep them
wondering.” Her humorous, polyandrous WBLS appearance was still a hot topic of
discussion: “I went up there with the idea of saying things to be entertaining and
fun…But people took what I said seriously” (Green 96). The role of a queen with many
husbands, lovers or sexual partners, none of whom will ever be “king” (or “king” of her,
specifically), was entertaining for Badu but not for this audience of “Neo-Soul”
consumers.
XXL Presents Hip-Hop Soul would pick up where Vibe left off, but it darts back in a
sensationalist direction. This feature is entitled “Let’s Get Serious.” It asks if Badu is “a
heaven-sent angel of righteousness or some sort of voodoo sex goddess” (Thompson 51).
As usual, “righteousness” is opposed to sexuality in a visibly racialized fashion; there is
“heaven” for “angels” (or puritans) and a “voodoo” slur for all others. Then, there is the
table of contents which is where the narrative of sexism begins: “Ask yourself: ‘Who is
Erykah Badu?’ No, really. Who is Erykah Badu? Is she the Mother Nature of neo-soul
or a sex goddess who feasts on the hearts of MCs?” (9). MC’s are male, by definition,
for them; and females eat at their hearts like “savages.” It is not her “intellect,” art or
music that attracts these questions. It is her “personal” life. Badu says it’s just a “big
misconception,” before continuing on: “It’s cute, though: I’m a pimp…And I’m not
telling my secret of how I turn these men out, because other women will do it. So I’m
going to just let it be. Good work, Andre, keep on ‘spreading.’ Common, you know how
I feel. Remember what I told you” (51). She both acknowledges her like for “hundreddollar
billers” (52), or hustlers, and having “brought consciousness in” as a “trend” (51).
This is stated with something like regret, since that trendy notion of consciousness is
clearly limited and flawed: “Nothing has changed about me...But I don’t know if people
know that…” (52).
In “Let’s Get Serious,” superficialities of “consciousness” were cut up even further with
the benefit of hindsight: “I think in 1997 when I came out, certain people were looking
for a savior in the music industry, a savior for their spirits. So when I decided to do what
I felt, to naturally change how I look, I figured out people weren’t actually looking for a
savior, they were looking for someone who looked like one” (Emphasis hers, 51). This
is key.
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33
Visually, Badu is presented in a series of photographs in which she sports a hat as well as
hair of varying lengths. “The Learning Curve” was also accompanied by a segment
called “Hair Wars: Vibe Takes a Look at Badu’s Most Famous Dos and Don’ts.” This
segment is pretty mindless, and typically so. Still, it makes Badu’s point about how
“saviors” are identified by appearance, not substance; how “certain” people want the
look of “consciousness,” the “trend” of it, rather than what would be the substance of
“consciousness” itself; and how completely unconscious the “conscious” are about their
routine notions of consciousness, musical and non-musical.
This would certainly explain why The Notorious K.I.M. could not be seen as a savior by
this society, especially outside Hip-Hop, and among “Hip-Hop Soul” elites--
notwithstanding “Marc Jacobs featuring Lil’ Kim as Joan of Arc,” a stunning ten-page
(pre-imprisonment) high-fashion layout published in Flaunt magazine (in September
2005). Hers is not the “look” of “consciousness” or pseudo-consciousness typically
promoted by bourgeois and pseudo-bourgeois spectators of popular culture. Her look or
their preconceptions about it blinds these critics to the substance of consciousness for
which she spits and stands as a lyricist no matter how radical this consciousness might be
because her material is so conscious and relentless in its assault on their sexually
conservative commitment to the elitist repression of the white bourgeois West.
She had addressed this class subject in the premiere issue of Honey with Tanya
Pendleton. The interview’s title is, provocatively, “When and Where I Enter: The Lil’
Kim Story.” Under an equally provocative section title, “Mary, Erykah, Lauryn, Janet,
Faith, (Not) Charlie,” Lil’ Kim speaks with patience, diplomacy and persistence:
I think I want to work with Lauryn. She does what she does and that’s her; I
do what I do and that’s me. I love her music… You know every woman
needs that; the world needs that… That song “Doo Wop (That Thing)” is
cool, because she’s putting us onto these men. “Women, you betta watch
out.” That’s not so much of a different record than what I talk about. She
can sing--If I could sing like her, I’d be selling four or five million records.
What’s the difference in Lil’ Kim singing “Queen Bitch” or Foxy with “Ill Na
Na”? It’s the same thing. We’re just more street with ours… I don’t see
why people always downgrade us. We just approach things different
(Pendleton 58).
The R&B-oriented artists for whom these MCs provide a constant, puritanical contrast
are pinpointed for a common political cause, even if these more commercially acceptable
artists might object to her analytical identification--out of fear, shame, etc. Although sex
is frequently said to be a “quick” and “shallow” road to riches, according to countless,
“conscious” commentaries on Hip-Hop and R&B, it is important to note that singing
actually sells more than rapping about anything among Black female artists in particular.
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34
The music of Lil’ Kim is by no means more “commercial” than the music of the singers
she names, who have “sold” and, arguably, “sold out” more than “conscious” criticism
could possibly, legitimately allow. The anti-sex line hurled at her (and others) signifies a
hypocritical falsity. And utterly exposed again is this notion of “consciousness” that is
simply about the politics of race, sex and class, politics which are systematically hostile
to her sexual consciousness and its massive, revolutionary promise.
Conclusion
“I’m a queen, and I can’t say I’ve run across a full-blown king”
-- The Notorious K.I.M.
Of all those discussed by Irene d’Almeida in Francophone African Women Writers:
Destroying the Emptiness of Silence (1994), Werewere Liking may be most radically
relevant for a discussion of this royal sex-radicalism, thanks to her It Shall Be of Jasper
and Coral (Journal of a Misovire): A Song-Novel (1983/2000). A “misovire,” combining
Greek and Latin as a new coinage, she could be defined as a “man-hater,” since a
misogynist is a “woman-hater.” A “misanthrope” is conventionally defined as “a hater of
[society] or mankind.” Yet this is not how Liking defines “misovire” herself. For her,
she is “a woman who can’t find an admirable man” (d’Almeida in Liking xix). The
“fiery dream inside” the body (4) of her “misovire” is about humanity, and a divinity
connected to “a desire for life, a desire for art, the art of desire” (46). Liking champions
and commits herself to the “fight” to “taste true pleasure again” (90-91), a divine pleasure
and art that is officially incompatible with gender and all established “-ism’s.” This text
is for a time when, as she states, “I am no longer a misovire and there are no more
misogynists” (112).
Whether “misovires” specifically or not, “Hip-Hop Queens” come to mind, again, as
these cultural and political connections across writing, visual arts and music are
extraordinarily profound: Werewere Liking appears in a caravan of poets traveling from
Gorée Island in Senegal to Timbuktu, Mali, for example, in Tara: Search for the Word
(2000), a film by Fatoumata Kandé-Senghor, who is also filming a documentary on rap
(Radikal Spirit) in Senegal with Waru Studios--even as it is Hip-Hop enthusiast Ousmane
Sembène who is hailed as an original architect of an anti-elitist African cinema of
liberation along with Haile Gerima of Ethiopia and Med Hondo of Mauritania. A trinity
of sorts, Hondo, Gerima and “Ousmane-the-Axe” are hailed as the founders of Black
radical filmmaking, on the continent, in very much the same vein that DJ Kool Herc,
Afrika Bambaataa and Grandmaster Flash are hailed the founders of Hip-Hop revolution
in the Americas.
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35
Sembène’s sexual politics are well-established. In “Reading the Signs, Empowering the
Eye,” Toni Cade Bambara writes of Gerima’s sexual radicalism on celluloid or in classics
such as Bush Mama (1976), an urban political drama set in Watts, California (Bambara
89-138). Hondo is most well-known for his warrior-queen epic, Sarraounia (1986), a
FESPACO award-winning production that speaks marvelously to many of the stances of
musical matriarchs like Lil’ Kim and Erykah Badu.
An elder intellectual critic in Black Studies, Sylvia Wynter quotes Nas’s I Am (1999) for
her “Un-Settling the Coloniality of Being/Power/Truth/Freedom” (2000). She also
argues passionately for a new “order of consciousness” in “Africa, the West and the
Analogy of Culture,” a powerful article from June Givanni’s Symbolic Narratives/African
Cinema: Audiences, Theory and the Moving Image (2000). She would note that more
than any other concept in European philosophy, it is the concept of “consciousness” that
has defied adequate definition in the West, Europe and North America. She would also
pinpoint its mind/body split, its basic, artificial opposition of “rationality” and “sexuality”
(or “sensuality”), as a central part of the problem. Nevertheless, this is the notion of
“consciousness” upheld by intellectuals and critics, all over the world now over the past
five hundred-plus years; and this is why “consciousness” calls to be completely
rethought--in radical resistance to oppressions and repressions of all kinds. A
contradiction in terms for the dominant society, the concept of sexual consciousness can
go a long way in this direction toward the subversion of “Western Man” and the creation
of “a new humanity,” or “a new society,” which is neither racist nor sexist nor bourgeois
or class elitist nor homophobic, etc. Amiri Baraka once wrote, in “leroy” (1969): “when
I die, the consciousness I carry I will to black people. May they pick me apart and take
the useful parts, the sweet meat of my feelings. And leave the bitter bullshit rotten white
parts alone” (Baraka 1991 223). So what part of this hegemonic order of
“consciousness” must we most definitely leave alone? Musically and otherwise, our
sexual consciousness should reprise or revolutionize consciousness in general and “Black
consciousness” in particular in the face of a historically anti-Black, anti-African system
of power--and pleasure--as well as “knowledge.”
Works Cited
Amadiume, Ifi. “Introduction: Cheikh Anta Diop’s Theory of Matriarchal
Values as the Basis for African Cultural Unity” in C.A. Diop’s The Cultural Unity
of Black Africa: The Domains of Matriarchy and Patriarchy in Classical Antiquity
(London: Karnak House, 1989): ix-xix.
---. Re-Inventing Africa: Matriarchy, Religion, & Culture. London and New York: Zed
Books Ltd, 1997.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
36
Badu, Erykah. Baduizm. Universal Records, 1997.
---. Live. Universal Records, 1997.
---. Mama’s Gun. Motown Records, 2000.
---. Worldwide Underground. Motown Records, 2003.
Baraka, Amiri (Jones, LeRoi) “leroy.” The LeRoi Jones/Amiri Baraka Reader. New
York: Thunder’s Mouth Press. [1969] 1991: 223.
d’Almeida, Irene Assiba. Francophone African Women Writers: Destroying the
Emptiness of Silence. Gainesville: University of Florida Press, 1994.
Davis, Robb Leigh. “Livin Good with Lil’ Kim: Hip-Hop’s Queen Bee Puts Some Bling
in Your Spring.” Next 10.44 (May 9, 2003): 12-13.
Diop, Cheikh Anta. The Cultural Unity of Black Africa: The Domains of Matriarchy
and Patriarchy in Classical Antiquity. London: Karnak House, [1959] 1989.
Green, Tony. “The Learning Curve.” Vibe (February 2004): 92-97.
Junior M.A.F.I.A. Conspiracy. Atlantic Records, 1995.
Liking, Werewere. It Shall Be of Jasper and Coral AND Love-across-a-Hundred-Lives:
Two Novels. Trans. Marjolijn de Jager. Charlottesville and London: University of
Virginia Press, [1983] 2000.
Lil’ Kim. Hard Core. Atlantic Records, 1996.
---. The Notorious K.I.M. Atlantic Records, 2000.
Malone, Bonz. Hip-Hop Immortals: The Remix. Ed. Nichole Beatty (and DJ Lindy).
New York: Sock Bandit Productions & Thunder’s Mouth Press, 2003.
Marrero, Letisha. “Standing Firm.” The Source (January 2004): 86-87.
McIver, Joel. Erykah Badu: The First Lady of Neo-Soul. London: Sanctuary, 2002.
Pendleton, Tonya. “When and Where I Enter: The Lil’ Kim Story (by Kim Jones as told
to…).” Honey 1 (Spring 1999): 52-58.
The Journal of Pan African Studies, vol. 1, no. 7, March 2007
37
Rodney, Walter. How Europe Underdeveloped Africa. Washington, D.C.: Howard
University Press, [1972] 1982.
Tate, Claudia (ed.). Black Women Writers at Work. New York: Continuum Books,
1993.
Thompson, Bonsu. “Let’s Get Serious.” XXL Presents Hip-Hop Soul (Spring 2004):
48-53.
T’Shaka, Oba. Return to the African Mother Principle of Male and Female Equality.
Oakland, CA: Pan Afrikan Publishers, 1995.
Williams, Wendy. “Wendy’s World: Erykah Badu Takes Mind Games to a Cosmic
Level.” Honey (October 2003): 109.
Williams, Wendy (with Karen Hunter). Wendy’s Got the Heat. New York: Atria
Books, 2003.
Wynter, Sylvia. “Africa, the West, and the Analogy of Culture: The Cinematic Text
after Man.” Symbolic Narratives/African Cinema: Audiences, Theory, and the
Moving Image. Ed. June Givanni. London: British Film Institute, 2000: 25-76.
---. “Un-Settling the Coloniality of Being/Power/Truth/Freedom: Toward the Human,
After Man, Its Over-Representation.” CR: The New Centennial Review 3:3 (Fall
2003): 257-337.
An UNEDITED Excerpt from my upcoming Novel
When I got Ledia’s call the next evening I was in a horse drawn carriage with Augustus in Charleston, South Carolina visiting my ex-flame, 31-year-old Erin Chambers. The red-head butch was a free spirited nature lover. I had confused her for a lesbian for two years, after heart breakingly finding out she was actually a heterosexual. I had been sure we had ‘something’ and that she felt some sort of romantic feeling for me after the way she looked at me with her emerald green eyes. I had gone to find her in Charleston to unmask the mystery. Was she secretly gay and just in the closet? Was she just a very masculine woman who liked men?
I was enjoying the carriage ride through the historic Southern town in my wide brimmed tan summer hat and a pair of blue flared jeans and a gray jersey shirt. I held Augustus in a cashmere blanket, shielding him from the sun. We passed the city hall and colonial buildings with romantic balconies. The tree lined streets were pleasant and small-town. It was just as picturesque as I had imagined. I could see why Erin had picked Charleston to live. With all the nature conservatories and national parks, she had everything from the sassafras topped mountains to the Atlantic ocean, and an impeccable Harborfront to boot. The architecture of the Arthur Ravenel Jr, Bridge definitely a beauty for the quaint town, not to mention that of the famed Gibbes Art Gallery.
I was helped off the carriage at the tourist-heavy Market Hall and sat in the shade of a cypress tree. I decided to call Ledia back.
“Hello.” My voice was cold, flattened by the devastation that had attacked my emotions in the last week. It would’ve taken an idiot not to understand I was deeply upset.
“Where the hell are you? I have been trying to call you all day! The security guard said you took your passport and left.”
“I’m in the States with Augustus,” I replied calmly, trying to control a surge of rage. “When I will be back is none of your concern at this moment, I believe.”
“You believe wrong,” she seethed. “You cannot just leave and go! Where are you? Who are you seeing in the States?”
“You cannot just go and sleep around with escorts,” I shot back. “Who I’m with and where I am is something that is none of your business, Ledia. You should’ve chosen your actions more wisely. I’m very hurt...and I don’t wish to see you right now. I won’t be gone too long, hopefully.”
“I want to see my son. This is preposterous,” she shouted, but I did not hear because I had hung up. I put the phone inside my handbag and watched a group of people peruse a farmer’s market. Augustus squirmed in my arms and as I lifted him up, I spotted the familiar and confident gait of Erin, her short wavy red hair tousled as usual. She was in a pair of khaki shorts and an old black t-shirt with some vague writing. I didn’t notice because I was focusing on the one thing that mattered—her face. Her beautiful eyes were shielded behind a pair of shades, her hands filled with silver rings as she always had. Her boyish demeanour had always excited and puzzled me. I couldn’t figure her out. And I couldn’t have her.
She grinned as she came close. We didn’t embrace. “I cannot believe he’s adopted. He looks just like you. It’s odd,” she commented, and took off her shades to peer at Augustus. He instantly gave her a happy smile and cooed. Spit dribbled down the side of his mouth and Erin wiped it away. I began to follow her down the main road.
“I don’t live far from here,” she explained. “How was your flight down? I cannot believe you’re in town.”
“I came for this art convention,” I lied. “And I remembered you saying you were moving down here.” I knew very well she had moved here, and took up a job teaching kids. I had no other reason to be in Charleston but her. But I acted coolly, because I knew the blatant approach didn’t work. Professing my love for her had scared her way—to another country, I believe. She had left only weeks after I had confessed my feelings, and mere months before I met my wife.
“Art? So your interests have changed,” she remarked slyly, and I gave her Augustus to hold as I fixed my jeans. Her face softened as she held him, and I found it hard to swallow. Oh God, how I had fallen for her hard. I tried to focus on the road ahead, Cumberland Street, marked with funny sounding restaurant names like Poogan’s Porch. Yet the patio was filled with red-faced Americans, chubby Caucasians proud of their pickup trucks and Southern accents.
“No, not all of my interests,” I replied quietly as we turned onto a quiet residential street. Her townhouse was modest, painted white and tall. It stood proud like she did, the hard working and sarcastic woman I had lusted after for too long in silence. I fussed over Augustus in her living room, feeding him his bottle and rocking him to sleep while she puttered about in her kitchen. She had stuffed something in the oven and came back into the living room just as I put Augustus down to sleep. Her dog, a boxer, trotted out. I remembered him when he was just 8 weeks old, and my eyes tore up. I reached down and threw my arms around Diablo. The dog licked my ear affectionately and I wondered if he recognized my scent.
“Oh God, it’s been so long, Erin,” I cried out. I turned to her, my brown eyes searching hers. “I’m so glad to see you.”
She froze, watching me pet her dog and kneel on her carpeted floor. Her face looked pained. “Marie...you are so much younger than I am. We had a professional relationship—I couldn’t let it tamper with my work. I’m sor—“
“You led me on!” I accused her. “You let me touch you, you saw me staring at you with passion and lust in my eyes. You never took your eyes off me. Don’t deny it, Erin.”
She stood perfectly still, then brought out a cigarette. She went to her back porch to light it, sensitive to the fact that a one-month-old infant was asleep in her home. I followed her after taking a deep breath.
“You’re married,” she whispered.
“You left the country,” I replied, hearing the bitterness in my voice and trying to bite my tongue. “You left me behind. I had plans for us...”
She turned to me. “You’re so crazy.”
The emotions that had kept me weeping at night so many years ago resurfaced, and I looked into her deep green eyes, feeling the stirring emotions in there. She felt something. I knew it. I felt the frustration, embarrassment and hurt of rejection, hopeless love and mind-reeling lust I had when I looked upon her every day four years ago. Her eyes are bright. She wants to change the subject and make a joke like always. I was so close to her. I could smell her cologne and see the bite marks on her fingernails. I leaned in a bit closer and she closed her eyes softly.
“Marie, don’t do it. You love your wife, and you have a son.”
“Do you want to stop me?” I murmur back, feeling her warmth breath on my face.
She suddenly jumped, her cigarette flying in the air. “Shit—I forgot the pizza in the oven!” She hurried inside and I crumpled against the railing. What was I doing?
I could hear the crickets and breathe in the sweet scent of honeysuckle. I liked the feeling of polite Charleston. I went back inside and sat at the bar, giving Erin a grateful smile as she popped open a beer for me. A Molson Canadian, go figure. She was so proud of being a Canadian. So why had she left?
“Do you have a boyfriend out here?” I ask.
“I have someone,” she replied mysteriously, taking a swig from her own bottle and slicing the pizza into generous slices. I hadn’t had frozen food in a long time but I was looking forward to sharing the pepperoni pizza with Erin Chambers, my first love. “As do you.”
“I was sixteen. I made mistakes,” I said sharply. “You should’ve known to trust me. I would’ve never let you down, Erin! I would’ve been faithful and hard working and I would’ve compromised and you could’ve completed me....nobody did that like you did.” I heard my voice crack. I dreamt of fucking you every night. I dreamt of your touch, but I never received it.
The air in the room suddenly felt too hot. They had warned me about the scorching Southern summers. I felt my shirt sticking to my back with sweat. We return to the porch after I check on my sleeping son. He looked beautiful and radiant, his face still and serene in the dim light. I press the cold beer against my face to cool off, but to no avail.
I watch as pickup trucks drive by, and an elderly couple stroll hand in hand with an equally ancient dog. I am afraid of what I’ll say next. Erin has switched the conversation to Canadian weather. My eyes are on the cocky way she sits, one leg folded over the other in such a masculine way. Her brown loafers are comfortable, she likes them a bit more than her hiking shoes. Her serious, green eyes are on my face, searching as they always are. Looking for honesty and integrity. Looking for trustworthiness. I had let her down once, maybe twice. Drugs and sex—the rebellious teenage thing had gotten in the way of her believing I could pull off handling a relationship with an older woman....especially someone who was in a position to get in a lot of trouble for fucking around with a minor. I sighed. Erin had always been a woman who helped others. I had been the troubled kid in the group home...she the powerful manager. I was well aware of my legal age now. I was aware of the past, the present and the future. I savoured the moment, her eyes on my face. I drank her in. She felt good.
“Did you hear what I said?” she repeated, and I picked up on the amusement in her voice that touched her eyes. They danced in the moonlight, such a striking, rare shade. I could see streaks of yellow and brown and some aquamarine. Her eyes crinkled at the corner and she drank some more. I had always dreamt of us casually having a beer together.
“I’m sorry...I zoned out,” I muttered, looking down at my feet. She was the only person in the world I could stare in the eyes for all eternity. I had to look away. I was going in too deep and way over my head. I wouldn’t be able to dig myself out if I didn’t control myself, reign myself in.
I noticed her small breasts against her thin cotton shirt, and gulped. Her eyes were on me. She knew I was watching her. I was feasting on her with my eyes like a glutton at a buffet.
“I was just asking if you wanted to hit the trails with me tomorrow. I can arrange a sitter for Augustus.”
Shit. I don’t know why I had brought tulle, pleated skirt dresses and strappy satin camisoles. What was I thinking we were going to do? Go ballroom dancing? I hadn’t thought to bring comfortable running shoes and sports bras. But wait...I had brought a pair of sweatpants for the gym...and I did have flip flops. That would have to do. Flip flops on a hiking trail. I groaned.
“I’d be honoured,” I said, “I’m sure we have a lot of catching up to do. I couldn’t imagine living without you, but I had to force myself to do that when you left. It’s so different now. I depended on you every day....and there’s this big gap of having you gone.”
She smirked, “Marie, I had to go. I had to. I needed a new beginning. I needed to find myself.”
“Did you?” I persisted. “I need to know. If I had a chance...I need to know why I blew it.”
She took a big bite of her pizza, a smirk still on her face. I yearned to touch her creamy white, alabaster skin.
“How’s your wife?” she said, her eyes mocking. “I never would’ve thought you’d marry a woman.” I know she wouldn’t have said that before drinking the beer.
“I would’ve married you,” I replied boldly, looking at her straight in the eyes. She didn’t look away. Her mocking smile froze. “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. It was my only wish.”
It happened so fast, I wasn’t sure how it began. I moved forward, and so did she. Her hands grabbed my arms, and they were ice cold. My hands were around her middle and I pressed my lips against hers. I could’ve fainted from the excitement. It felt unreal, as if I was living in my most amazing fantasy but her lips were real. I couldn’t pull away. I tugged at her shirt to reveal the softness of her belly. I touched it. She had always felt so untouchable, but she felt so good in my hands now. We silently made our way upstairs, creeping slowly on the steps as to not wake little Augustus.
I tore off my shirt and jeans so quickly that they were across the room before she had shut the door. I ripped off her khakis and paused to appreciate the view of her lithe, slim body in a pair of black Joey boxers for girls. Even in the dark, her luminous white skin was evident. I sucked in my breath and got on my knees, nervous in front of this older, experienced woman who had been quick to make me remember she knew more and lived harder than I had. I pressed my lips to her bare stomach, wrapping my arms around her back. Slowly and gently, I pulled off her underwear. She didn’t protest, she stood there silently. I looked up at her, reading the fear and uncertainty in those eyes. I had seen that look before. She had left before. I wasn’t letting her this time.
We lay on the bed, eager to touch each other. I moaned softly as she tweaked my hard nipple, and it made my head spin as her strong hand caressed the most inner parts of my body. I tasted her, delighting in the way she threw back her legs. I had no idea she was so flexible. I could’ve stayed there for an eternity and been content. I could’ve died with old age there. I ran a hand down her leg and felt her shiver. I reached deep into her depths, sighing with pleasure at how tight she was. She hadn’t been touched in a while. The little red curls on her pelvis tickled my stomach as I felt her wetness around my hand. She was gripping her sheets, not allowing herself to be vulnerable in front of me. She had never been vulnerable. She had made men uncomfortable with her ball breaking self. She let out something between a grunt and a moan as she climaxed and I looked at her little breasts, residing on her proud chest.
“Oh God,” she whispered. I felt her hand between my own slippery wetness and arched my back. What was I doing? I couldn’t stop her. I opened myself up more, ready to come right then and there. I couldn’t believe I had her naked in my bed, fucking me hard. She never took her eyes off me. They were passionate and full of lust. She wasn’t holding anything back now. My strangled gasps were met with more plunging, and her hot tongue on my breast was enough to make me scream. I tossed my head back, pressing my naked body against hers, grinding my hips to mesh into her own. My plump breasts felt so good against her own, our sweat mingling with our lovemaking. I had turned slightly and she was hitting the right spot. My breathing was quickening and my breath was hoarse from my lusty cries. I let out a shrill moan as I came, creaming into her hand. I didn’t know if she was disgusted, but her face showed surprise.
She went to the bathroom to wash off, and I smirked. She had always had a thing for washing her hands. I loved recalling her many idiosyncrasies, and the little things I observed that made me feel what we had was exclusive. It couldn’t be shared by her and someone else. I felt as if she had opened up to me with a special language made up of meaningful looks and subtle physical touches. Little gestures of appreciation meant undying, unrequited love. Had I been wrong? Why were these little quirks popping up again? I had no time to find out. Augustus was awake.
His angry shrieks were answered timely as I scooped him up in my arms. Instantly, he lay his head on my arm and quieted. I was butt naked, my brown skin radiant in the moonlight. I brought my son upstairs and dressed quickly, unsure of what lay between me and my first love now, after we had made love but had our feelings undeclared. Everything was unclear. We were in the town center, with so many roads that lead up to our destination....roads that could veer off into any direction. I wasn’t sure if we were both looking together yonder.
She re-emerged in a pair of brown flannel pants and a plaid shirt, a masculine shirt that brought out her short, wild hair and her proud stance. She silently took Augustus and cradled my son in her arms. The fondness in her face was touching and I couldn’t tear my eyes off the woman who had annihilated my heart at the tender age of eighteen, holding my infant child. It was definitely a paradox that left me feeling tormented and anguished. She looked up shyly, bashful of showing this softer side. She had always been one to bark orders and storm around fearlessly. And here she was, lulling a tiny babe in her arms, aware of his vulnerability and submissiveness. I lay on her bed, feeling the exhaustion of my flight and soon, my eyes were shut.
I didn’t know she had put Augustus between us to lie, and that she had taken off my jeans and covered me with her blanket. I didn’t know she watched me sleep tenderly, yearningly until she fell asleep. I was so tired, mentally and physically, and filled with a forbidden joy. I had so much to explain, but I wanted to leave that for another day.