When I got Ledia’s call the next evening I was in a horse drawn carriage with Augustus in Charleston, South Carolina visiting my ex-flame, 31-year-old Erin Chambers. The red-head butch was a free spirited nature lover. I had confused her for a lesbian for two years, after heart breakingly finding out she was actually a heterosexual. I had been sure we had ‘something’ and that she felt some sort of romantic feeling for me after the way she looked at me with her emerald green eyes. I had gone to find her in Charleston to unmask the mystery. Was she secretly gay and just in the closet? Was she just a very masculine woman who liked men?
I was enjoying the carriage ride through the historic Southern town in my wide brimmed tan summer hat and a pair of blue flared jeans and a gray jersey shirt. I held Augustus in a cashmere blanket, shielding him from the sun. We passed the city hall and colonial buildings with romantic balconies. The tree lined streets were pleasant and small-town. It was just as picturesque as I had imagined. I could see why Erin had picked Charleston to live. With all the nature conservatories and national parks, she had everything from the sassafras topped mountains to the Atlantic ocean, and an impeccable Harborfront to boot. The architecture of the Arthur Ravenel Jr, Bridge definitely a beauty for the quaint town, not to mention that of the famed Gibbes Art Gallery.
I was helped off the carriage at the tourist-heavy Market Hall and sat in the shade of a cypress tree. I decided to call Ledia back.
“Hello.” My voice was cold, flattened by the devastation that had attacked my emotions in the last week. It would’ve taken an idiot not to understand I was deeply upset.
“Where the hell are you? I have been trying to call you all day! The security guard said you took your passport and left.”
“I’m in the States with Augustus,” I replied calmly, trying to control a surge of rage. “When I will be back is none of your concern at this moment, I believe.”
“You believe wrong,” she seethed. “You cannot just leave and go! Where are you? Who are you seeing in the States?”
“You cannot just go and sleep around with escorts,” I shot back. “Who I’m with and where I am is something that is none of your business, Ledia. You should’ve chosen your actions more wisely. I’m very hurt...and I don’t wish to see you right now. I won’t be gone too long, hopefully.”
“I want to see my son. This is preposterous,” she shouted, but I did not hear because I had hung up. I put the phone inside my handbag and watched a group of people peruse a farmer’s market. Augustus squirmed in my arms and as I lifted him up, I spotted the familiar and confident gait of Erin, her short wavy red hair tousled as usual. She was in a pair of khaki shorts and an old black t-shirt with some vague writing. I didn’t notice because I was focusing on the one thing that mattered—her face. Her beautiful eyes were shielded behind a pair of shades, her hands filled with silver rings as she always had. Her boyish demeanour had always excited and puzzled me. I couldn’t figure her out. And I couldn’t have her.
She grinned as she came close. We didn’t embrace. “I cannot believe he’s adopted. He looks just like you. It’s odd,” she commented, and took off her shades to peer at Augustus. He instantly gave her a happy smile and cooed. Spit dribbled down the side of his mouth and Erin wiped it away. I began to follow her down the main road.
“I don’t live far from here,” she explained. “How was your flight down? I cannot believe you’re in town.”
“I came for this art convention,” I lied. “And I remembered you saying you were moving down here.” I knew very well she had moved here, and took up a job teaching kids. I had no other reason to be in Charleston but her. But I acted coolly, because I knew the blatant approach didn’t work. Professing my love for her had scared her way—to another country, I believe. She had left only weeks after I had confessed my feelings, and mere months before I met my wife.
“Art? So your interests have changed,” she remarked slyly, and I gave her Augustus to hold as I fixed my jeans. Her face softened as she held him, and I found it hard to swallow. Oh God, how I had fallen for her hard. I tried to focus on the road ahead, Cumberland Street, marked with funny sounding restaurant names like Poogan’s Porch. Yet the patio was filled with red-faced Americans, chubby Caucasians proud of their pickup trucks and Southern accents.
“No, not all of my interests,” I replied quietly as we turned onto a quiet residential street. Her townhouse was modest, painted white and tall. It stood proud like she did, the hard working and sarcastic woman I had lusted after for too long in silence. I fussed over Augustus in her living room, feeding him his bottle and rocking him to sleep while she puttered about in her kitchen. She had stuffed something in the oven and came back into the living room just as I put Augustus down to sleep. Her dog, a boxer, trotted out. I remembered him when he was just 8 weeks old, and my eyes tore up. I reached down and threw my arms around Diablo. The dog licked my ear affectionately and I wondered if he recognized my scent.
“Oh God, it’s been so long, Erin,” I cried out. I turned to her, my brown eyes searching hers. “I’m so glad to see you.”
She froze, watching me pet her dog and kneel on her carpeted floor. Her face looked pained. “Marie...you are so much younger than I am. We had a professional relationship—I couldn’t let it tamper with my work. I’m sor—“
“You led me on!” I accused her. “You let me touch you, you saw me staring at you with passion and lust in my eyes. You never took your eyes off me. Don’t deny it, Erin.”
She stood perfectly still, then brought out a cigarette. She went to her back porch to light it, sensitive to the fact that a one-month-old infant was asleep in her home. I followed her after taking a deep breath.
“You’re married,” she whispered.
“You left the country,” I replied, hearing the bitterness in my voice and trying to bite my tongue. “You left me behind. I had plans for us...”
She turned to me. “You’re so crazy.”
The emotions that had kept me weeping at night so many years ago resurfaced, and I looked into her deep green eyes, feeling the stirring emotions in there. She felt something. I knew it. I felt the frustration, embarrassment and hurt of rejection, hopeless love and mind-reeling lust I had when I looked upon her every day four years ago. Her eyes are bright. She wants to change the subject and make a joke like always. I was so close to her. I could smell her cologne and see the bite marks on her fingernails. I leaned in a bit closer and she closed her eyes softly.
“Marie, don’t do it. You love your wife, and you have a son.”
“Do you want to stop me?” I murmur back, feeling her warmth breath on my face.
She suddenly jumped, her cigarette flying in the air. “Shit—I forgot the pizza in the oven!” She hurried inside and I crumpled against the railing. What was I doing?
I could hear the crickets and breathe in the sweet scent of honeysuckle. I liked the feeling of polite Charleston. I went back inside and sat at the bar, giving Erin a grateful smile as she popped open a beer for me. A Molson Canadian, go figure. She was so proud of being a Canadian. So why had she left?
“Do you have a boyfriend out here?” I ask.
“I have someone,” she replied mysteriously, taking a swig from her own bottle and slicing the pizza into generous slices. I hadn’t had frozen food in a long time but I was looking forward to sharing the pepperoni pizza with Erin Chambers, my first love. “As do you.”
“I was sixteen. I made mistakes,” I said sharply. “You should’ve known to trust me. I would’ve never let you down, Erin! I would’ve been faithful and hard working and I would’ve compromised and you could’ve completed me....nobody did that like you did.” I heard my voice crack. I dreamt of fucking you every night. I dreamt of your touch, but I never received it.
The air in the room suddenly felt too hot. They had warned me about the scorching Southern summers. I felt my shirt sticking to my back with sweat. We return to the porch after I check on my sleeping son. He looked beautiful and radiant, his face still and serene in the dim light. I press the cold beer against my face to cool off, but to no avail.
I watch as pickup trucks drive by, and an elderly couple stroll hand in hand with an equally ancient dog. I am afraid of what I’ll say next. Erin has switched the conversation to Canadian weather. My eyes are on the cocky way she sits, one leg folded over the other in such a masculine way. Her brown loafers are comfortable, she likes them a bit more than her hiking shoes. Her serious, green eyes are on my face, searching as they always are. Looking for honesty and integrity. Looking for trustworthiness. I had let her down once, maybe twice. Drugs and sex—the rebellious teenage thing had gotten in the way of her believing I could pull off handling a relationship with an older woman....especially someone who was in a position to get in a lot of trouble for fucking around with a minor. I sighed. Erin had always been a woman who helped others. I had been the troubled kid in the group home...she the powerful manager. I was well aware of my legal age now. I was aware of the past, the present and the future. I savoured the moment, her eyes on my face. I drank her in. She felt good.
“Did you hear what I said?” she repeated, and I picked up on the amusement in her voice that touched her eyes. They danced in the moonlight, such a striking, rare shade. I could see streaks of yellow and brown and some aquamarine. Her eyes crinkled at the corner and she drank some more. I had always dreamt of us casually having a beer together.
“I’m sorry...I zoned out,” I muttered, looking down at my feet. She was the only person in the world I could stare in the eyes for all eternity. I had to look away. I was going in too deep and way over my head. I wouldn’t be able to dig myself out if I didn’t control myself, reign myself in.
I noticed her small breasts against her thin cotton shirt, and gulped. Her eyes were on me. She knew I was watching her. I was feasting on her with my eyes like a glutton at a buffet.
“I was just asking if you wanted to hit the trails with me tomorrow. I can arrange a sitter for Augustus.”
Shit. I don’t know why I had brought tulle, pleated skirt dresses and strappy satin camisoles. What was I thinking we were going to do? Go ballroom dancing? I hadn’t thought to bring comfortable running shoes and sports bras. But wait...I had brought a pair of sweatpants for the gym...and I did have flip flops. That would have to do. Flip flops on a hiking trail. I groaned.
“I’d be honoured,” I said, “I’m sure we have a lot of catching up to do. I couldn’t imagine living without you, but I had to force myself to do that when you left. It’s so different now. I depended on you every day....and there’s this big gap of having you gone.”
She smirked, “Marie, I had to go. I had to. I needed a new beginning. I needed to find myself.”
“Did you?” I persisted. “I need to know. If I had a chance...I need to know why I blew it.”
She took a big bite of her pizza, a smirk still on her face. I yearned to touch her creamy white, alabaster skin.
“How’s your wife?” she said, her eyes mocking. “I never would’ve thought you’d marry a woman.” I know she wouldn’t have said that before drinking the beer.
“I would’ve married you,” I replied boldly, looking at her straight in the eyes. She didn’t look away. Her mocking smile froze. “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. It was my only wish.”
It happened so fast, I wasn’t sure how it began. I moved forward, and so did she. Her hands grabbed my arms, and they were ice cold. My hands were around her middle and I pressed my lips against hers. I could’ve fainted from the excitement. It felt unreal, as if I was living in my most amazing fantasy but her lips were real. I couldn’t pull away. I tugged at her shirt to reveal the softness of her belly. I touched it. She had always felt so untouchable, but she felt so good in my hands now. We silently made our way upstairs, creeping slowly on the steps as to not wake little Augustus.
I tore off my shirt and jeans so quickly that they were across the room before she had shut the door. I ripped off her khakis and paused to appreciate the view of her lithe, slim body in a pair of black Joey boxers for girls. Even in the dark, her luminous white skin was evident. I sucked in my breath and got on my knees, nervous in front of this older, experienced woman who had been quick to make me remember she knew more and lived harder than I had. I pressed my lips to her bare stomach, wrapping my arms around her back. Slowly and gently, I pulled off her underwear. She didn’t protest, she stood there silently. I looked up at her, reading the fear and uncertainty in those eyes. I had seen that look before. She had left before. I wasn’t letting her this time.
We lay on the bed, eager to touch each other. I moaned softly as she tweaked my hard nipple, and it made my head spin as her strong hand caressed the most inner parts of my body. I tasted her, delighting in the way she threw back her legs. I had no idea she was so flexible. I could’ve stayed there for an eternity and been content. I could’ve died with old age there. I ran a hand down her leg and felt her shiver. I reached deep into her depths, sighing with pleasure at how tight she was. She hadn’t been touched in a while. The little red curls on her pelvis tickled my stomach as I felt her wetness around my hand. She was gripping her sheets, not allowing herself to be vulnerable in front of me. She had never been vulnerable. She had made men uncomfortable with her ball breaking self. She let out something between a grunt and a moan as she climaxed and I looked at her little breasts, residing on her proud chest.
“Oh God,” she whispered. I felt her hand between my own slippery wetness and arched my back. What was I doing? I couldn’t stop her. I opened myself up more, ready to come right then and there. I couldn’t believe I had her naked in my bed, fucking me hard. She never took her eyes off me. They were passionate and full of lust. She wasn’t holding anything back now. My strangled gasps were met with more plunging, and her hot tongue on my breast was enough to make me scream. I tossed my head back, pressing my naked body against hers, grinding my hips to mesh into her own. My plump breasts felt so good against her own, our sweat mingling with our lovemaking. I had turned slightly and she was hitting the right spot. My breathing was quickening and my breath was hoarse from my lusty cries. I let out a shrill moan as I came, creaming into her hand. I didn’t know if she was disgusted, but her face showed surprise.
She went to the bathroom to wash off, and I smirked. She had always had a thing for washing her hands. I loved recalling her many idiosyncrasies, and the little things I observed that made me feel what we had was exclusive. It couldn’t be shared by her and someone else. I felt as if she had opened up to me with a special language made up of meaningful looks and subtle physical touches. Little gestures of appreciation meant undying, unrequited love. Had I been wrong? Why were these little quirks popping up again? I had no time to find out. Augustus was awake.
His angry shrieks were answered timely as I scooped him up in my arms. Instantly, he lay his head on my arm and quieted. I was butt naked, my brown skin radiant in the moonlight. I brought my son upstairs and dressed quickly, unsure of what lay between me and my first love now, after we had made love but had our feelings undeclared. Everything was unclear. We were in the town center, with so many roads that lead up to our destination....roads that could veer off into any direction. I wasn’t sure if we were both looking together yonder.
She re-emerged in a pair of brown flannel pants and a plaid shirt, a masculine shirt that brought out her short, wild hair and her proud stance. She silently took Augustus and cradled my son in her arms. The fondness in her face was touching and I couldn’t tear my eyes off the woman who had annihilated my heart at the tender age of eighteen, holding my infant child. It was definitely a paradox that left me feeling tormented and anguished. She looked up shyly, bashful of showing this softer side. She had always been one to bark orders and storm around fearlessly. And here she was, lulling a tiny babe in her arms, aware of his vulnerability and submissiveness. I lay on her bed, feeling the exhaustion of my flight and soon, my eyes were shut.
I didn’t know she had put Augustus between us to lie, and that she had taken off my jeans and covered me with her blanket. I didn’t know she watched me sleep tenderly, yearningly until she fell asleep. I was so tired, mentally and physically, and filled with a forbidden joy. I had so much to explain, but I wanted to leave that for another day.
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