I never really "think" about being a lesbian or what this implies. It's easy being a dyke in Canada, I'll admit. If I do run into homophobes or scary right-wing religious conservatives (like my mother) I just don't pay any attention. I never really thought about my dykiness until I wanted a baby with my fiancee of 3 years. Now we have a sperm donor and we're inseminating, it really is quite something.
I feel pretty lucky. I get to manufacture and pick my baby like the toppings on a burger at Gourmet Burger Co. (If you haven't been you should definitely go and pick some avocado and grilled mushrooms for your steakette ;). I get to pick the eye colour, hair colour, IQ, Blood type....pretty much everything about my offspring. Of course, assisted reproduction is quite pricey but it's worth it. My partner is Caucasian and I'm Black, so my donor is Caucasian to reflect our backgrounds. I don't really care about the race of the kid or anything, that doesn't matter.
But it is quite different in the way that a syringe will be impregnating me. In terms of the trying-to-conceive (TTC) circles, I'm on cycle #3 meaning this is my third attempt at insemination and next month will be #4. There's nothing sexy about taking steroids (Dextramethasone) and drugs (Metformin) to help you become more fertile; or drinking heaps of fennel and nettle tea to ovulate. The pink prenatal pills are cute though. It's very frustrating to see heterosexual parents taking their kids for granted and not treating them well when we're dumping hundreds of bucks down the drain and sucking down tea that tastes like wet earth. Well I'm doing this, my fiancee just gives me the puppy face when I fail each month.
"Uh, not pregnant? Okay we'll insert some more syringes in you next month, and er, possibly get you started on some Clomid--you know the fertility drug? Yeah, the one that MAY cause you to carry octuplets like Kate plus 8, and oh yeah....you're more at risk of multiples since you're under 25." GAH!
Despite the fact I've read every parenting book under the face of the earth, spending hours upon hours at Indigo and poring over websites and spending time with babies and my goddaughter; there is an element of fear I possess. I just want the best for this kid that's going to have some two rockin' mamas, amazing music to listen to and a very cool name (Zion is running through my mind now....after the titled song "Zion" by Lauryn Hill). I doubt myself sometimes, and sometimes feel as if God is punishing me for being a dyke by refusing to get me bloody pregnant (an oxymoron, ?)
Anyways, stick around to hear hopes of a BFP (big fat positive........another acronym in the TTC world). It'll be 9 months of bliss, and no, I won't be able to return this package ;-) nor do we want to! And by the way, I didn't pick blue eyes or blond hair or anything...just brown hair and light brown eyes...like citrine yellow almost, I think and the background is German. Which works fine, since I speak German.
Ja, das ist gut! Sehr gut! Bis schon!
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